There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
