If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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