I am puke
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
