if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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