This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
