she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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