apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
