i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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