apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
