Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
