I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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