I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
