please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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