What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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