That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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