i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Someone signed my nipple.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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