i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
