Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
