I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
