Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
