I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
