Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
