Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
