I'm sorry my penis didn't work
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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