i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
