At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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