Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
