when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
