well I can't set my house on fire every night
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
