Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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