burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
