so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
