Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
so that wasnt chicken after all
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
