I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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