Please don't use social media to get back at me.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
