3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
