You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
