Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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