U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
handjob tips. give me some.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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