got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
