I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
