capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
