Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
