if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
