Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
