we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
