I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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