You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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