How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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