I think I died a long time ago.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
